Recent days I am found gazing. Opinionated reflections of a slow young adult with no focus, structure -no reality. What am I doing when I am blanking out, dropping something, banging my head into the wall, tripping, forgetting, blurring out?
The most probable answer is that I am obsessing. I would rather think I am dissecting. I have not been diagnosed with OCD or what I call "Already Counted Dat". This isn't a blog about OCD. [By the by that was at no diss at the mental disorder. I am not insensitive to things as so, I have a soft spot fort that specific group of people that is so obviously misunderstood.]
This blog, or what I hope it to be is about improvement. It is about taking my obsessive desire for perfection, answers, approved idealism, and attempting to transform something positive with them. Trying to sustain control or better yet loosen the reigns.
I want what's best for the world and my mind ticks with possible solutions. I am a soul artist. A fan of surrealism, word play, intellectual creativity. Unstructured, but fresh. I use metaphors , and philosophic thoughts to explain how I feel visually.
There are going to be a lot of hypothesis, theories, loose thoughts in this blog. I am going to state the fact as of now that the thoughts are probably spur of the moment- may not be educationally correct- perhaps black and white.
For example the title of this blog probably makes no freaking sense to most. English majors back out now. Srsly<-- (Did you know that is recorded in the Oxford dictionary from the late 1800s as a shortened version of seriously. I was so happy that I wasn't abusing internet slang. [I looked it up about a month ago.]
I missed a lot of school due to health, I missed a lot of basics but I am constantly trying to learn. Very self taught, which is a slower process. Unfortunately, when I have my hands in so many craved solutions it's hard to specialize in things as a whole.
I like to research but not everything I read will be true. Social experiments entertain and interest me but then guilt overrides the excitement. Morally speaking messing with people for personal pleasure is an atypical douche bag hobby. Minimization of the "Live a little" gesture sparks my mind right now with subconscious smirking.
So I am trying to study basic education and focus as of now. College was not an opportunity for me at all really. Well a successful opportunity. I took a class I enjoyed, stayed on top etc. It surprisingly turned out horrible because of a disgusting relationship but I have high hopes for when I dip into that empty void again.
Anyway this first entry is suppose to explain reasoning behind blog number 3. I have had destructive compulsions for about 15 years which I am trying to control. Aggressive anxiety mutations from hell.
I hope this will relieve some stress. I would rather journal everything but as said my focus is far from perfect. I cannot sit still with a pen. (But will anything be perfect for me?)
So when I stare glazed , slow responsive like Miss Little BoPeep I am aware of the fucked up cognitive response and the silent reaction of the receiving end of the conversation. Typing has become talking for me, as for many so let's do something positive.
I am at the fuck these bad habits let's do something about it, so as I blog let's see some transformation and acceptance for my hard work. Let's enjoy life, look at positive experiences and show gratitude to life outside these sheltered walls.
Go get em tiger!
This blog is brought to you by J.L.L. She is not responsible for the reactions of poor grammar, messed up thoughts and cussing. If you are faint of heart, set stone, an arrogant asshole, or a no good creep please refrain from multiple views of this blog because this author likes the option of not giving a damn. Have a fantastic day and breathe in that sunshine.
That's what's up.
