I looked into his blue green eyes-fascination. Those tunnels ran deep. So deep I couldn't even see about a quarter of a way there. I'm trying not to think about those eyes, the eyes that said everything and nothing at the same time.
The blankness that drew me in after 40 months of cutting off any testosterone. I knew how I got, I wouldn't be able to focus if I let a man touch me. All of these suppressed feelings, fire, passion, lust suppressing boiling brewing.
At this point, as my life sacrificing project was trying to come back to fruition , and I was slowly getting my confidence back, those eyes the steady flow of comfort , laying next to me innocently drew me in until I looked down as I usually did.
Even with slight progress I was hurting. Ive been hurting silently, reaching yearning for something to fill this confusion. I knew I was severely lonely but as long as I kept busy it would be ok, right?
It seemed so simple, calm easy it felt right. The problem is I thought I could be simple. I've become quite easy going, go with the flow. People are drawn to that. But I can't control my body chemistry, and after finding about the truth of who I am what I am why I am here, a secret consuming my soul once again my impulses raged the world with a giant
Fuck. This. Shit.
Nothing about me is simple.
That aside, those hands. They were ginormous. They were worn, rough, warm- they were beautiful. When they at times reached around my throat, I lost my mind. In quick moments my mind would blank as the pressure of being squeezed forcefully made everything peaceful. Almost everything was awkward, we were bone tired, Im in a life changing terrible phase, but I found utmost peace in not saying things at times.
I find beauty in oddities, I am not attracted to the jock, money, things like that.
I tried to lower my energy to meet his pace.
Watching him cook was absolutely beautiful to me. It was so structured. So exact. Everything was where it always is. He already knew what he was doing, no need to look anything up. No messes, unexpectencies. Cut, plop , fill boil,
Boom Boom Boom Boom
Done.
My mind was fucking blown.
Here is how I cook ,
Where the fuck did I put that onion? I'm gonna make this pasta by hand, fuck these gmos, do it right do it yourself. I really need to hurry up, as I am sloshing , burning pans because I am cooking 6 things.
Then I have to get the color just right, and add a little bit of this ridiculous ingredient I really don't need because it looks pretty. And it all must be fresh, no bullshit, as my mess from making all this by hand grows and grows and grows and by god I forgot the almond milk, I can't do the dishes now I am running late. DAMN IT I BURNED THE PAN AGAIN. NO I CUT MY FINGER!
I have no idea how it's going to taste because I tried something different, sometimes it's a hit or miss. But usually good.
His body was absolutely beautiful. His arms were carved from hours of labor , and those hands knew where to go when my muscles were screaming.
I don't tell people I am in intense pain all day. I have fibromyalgia, from always on the go : creating, calling, running around getting materials, cooking, exercising, dancing, moving stuff, cleaning, stressing worrying my shoulders and back especially are terrible.
My body on the other hand: My breasts have completely swollen , I am out of shape always on the go but when I am stressed I will binge sweets. When my mind is free i'll lift weights, ride my bike, swim, run , dance. But I have been so worried I just can't focus. I can't find my razor half the time, my pigmentation is off from being so stressed . I got a tummy my hard earned muscles are gone. Its just bad.
That aside;
Something in him seems tortured, his focus is insane. I never knew what he was thinking at all, he felt uncomfortable around people and I am pretty sure I stressed him out.
The thing about me is that I am really quite predictable. I seem complicated. I am bohemian minded but emotionally: I am white picket fence style.
I want loyalty , security, acceptance , stability, understanding, communication
I am erotic, free, creative, stubborn, not traditional at all.
But I want the same thing Betty Crocker does. I may not wear an apron, have a 9-5 job, have everything clean, and wear jeans and a nice shirt but all that stuff is tangible. It's not real, It's meme thinking.
If I don't feel free I will rebel. If anything after being trapped all these years on pills etc, I will fight.
My stressed out self, chakras imbalanced is torturing me. After my awakening started 2 years ago knowing who I am I knew it was a risk spending time with someone with different energy.
And I couldn't even feel anything, smell anything taste anything, and it wasn't him. I was hurting from stretched but I was completely blocked by my friend.
And it built up even more and more. My back felt like my blades were gong to burst out from being in heat. Energy surged outside my body. I was warm on fire, my blood was boiling. I held so much in, lowering my energy wasn't working as it raised and raised and raised and my mind was gone obsessing. I knew that my kundalini was on rapid fire and went rogue. I wanted to control it. No one has ever been able to calm me down.
Because they never even tried. They got scared, ran. I knew, that if I was just touched in that moment it would be OK. Everything would go back to normal.
I knew If I said any of this I would be misunderstood, but I thought be honest explaining the process would work. To explain how it feels why its happening, that I really need this because I am loyal but it didn't matter.
I layed there on my cement floor back breaking more day by day, covered in poison ivy, feverish, completely horny , being ignored, extremely exhausted from traveling collecting materials and working, stressed out. My muscles were aching, I knew I was about to be "dumped", I needed energy. I needed to be touched to be loved. I felt like a monster, I felt misunderstood, I felt unworthy, disgusting. My project was behind I couldn't work, I laid there paralyzed balling, my insides crying, my fear of losing everything I worked hard for then I fell asleep. I needed someone at this time to just hold the defiant. I felt kicked when I was down, my dad was in the hospital it was bad bad bad.
I did this to myself
Apparently I need to date someone else with high energy. Someone who has control of theres unlike me.
I am complicated, but in a beautiful way.
So I walked with feathers in my hair. I stood there as I saw the big white wolf, not the driver but the passenger and the transmitter.
A single vile glass vase I was mentally holding inside my mind with a single struggling rose- my heart. Something I have been trying to protect for so long slipped and shattered on the ground in thick pieces. The pieces I could pick up, because the wounds weren't that deep. I could glue it back together, but I would not let him touch that vase again.
And maybe I was wrong, could of been someone else but I knew at that moment in anger that whatever happened I would not look back.
Because I really was hurt and insecure after all
And we said how things were I was proud of how I handled it, I really do not want drama at all. No more stress. He doesn't get it, it's ok- keep moving. We can be friends.
But what happened on Jefferson, was too much for me . Metaphoric or realistic.
Don't know what those eyes said, I wonder at times.
I don't regret anything , which is huge for me. My heart is open, I need to focus but when the right person comes by and he's ready for something unusual, unique, complicated but beautiful:
I'll ready to defiantly kick him in the face as he puts me in place with a beautiful dominance as I finally submit flying side by side energies raging soaring, exploring , remembering
and calming.
Molding into one because I refuse to sell out.
I just don't understand human relationships, but am willing to learn. I know few will understand this space goddess, haha!
But I know for a couple weeks there I was so happy, running again , looking hot. Got my confidence back until I felt like someone stole my new puppy! I know that my heart being filled is what I need and I am thankful I learned that the rough way. A happy heart is a creative heart.
Painful but I am glad I took the risk.
I lay thinking of those hands sometimes, but I wonder , whose hands will fit symmetrically with mine?
I learned:
Eagle chicken is delicious ( Even though I am now a vegetarian)
I should not get physical when I am bone tired
62 degrees is too cold for me
when your chakras are blocked you will suck in bed
Bad vibes when delivering cookies are real
I still can't play the "game"
I just lost the game in more ways then one. Shit
There is an astrological alignment of stars that looks like someone is peeing
Never let a man get too many mosquito bites
Gorgeous beautiful vintage couches are manipulation devices and I am not having that shit
Always carry a toothbrush
I like riding on a bmx
Don't wear sandals on one
Don't lower your energy so much
I am also called Yolanda
Don't leave your notebook
My sex drive is still insane
Don't believe someone can handle the beast just because they say they can
Always be free, bitch
