Phase 7- Whistle

I was at the local library months ago scrounging through the manga section, because I am "oh-so-cool." Some quite interesting things happened. I saw an affair take place for the first time, realized I am behind on Japanese based illustrated crack, recognized I am usually the last person to leave a place before they close which is pretty lame, but the most striking observation was an elder man singing blankly out in the open with a beautiful flutter whistle. It was a vintage sound completely. That classic pure wholeness of singing in a slice of pie format.I can't remember the exact words at this stage of my life.He was completely care free, his voice loud echoing through the book stands when I just stood there staring in awe at the bravery and beautiful randomness occurring in front of my eyes.The man turned to me and said;

 "Oh, I am not crazy. When you get to this age, and you are singing, it means you are happy." He then strolled away in pride continuing where he left off before exiting the building.

  Not that it matters, but I never assumed he was crazy. I believe I tried to say that. I actually find this moment an omen of sorts.

  When I was younger I enjoyed singing. I had a voice, and when I was alone I would belt out the current pop sensations that most girls my age enjoyed. Good ol' 90's. (98 degrees was my shit.) I can't remember before this moment I am about to explain if I sang openly but I know from this day forward I became extremely conscious of my own voice to the point where I didn't even like to hear myself sing. 

I was young. Maybe 7 or 8. I went to my mom and I began to sing. I wanted her opinion. I was very proud of what I was executing when my mom simply stated, " Your voice is shaking." That's all it was. As simple as that.

  That moment I felt like all of my air was sucked out of me with a straw. A simple honest statement destroyed me. My inner perfectionist shown through when the truth of my voice was not as I heard it. My self esteem smacked the floor, as shame rose to my cheeks in burning waves of red. I looked down for a moment and I don't remember exactly what I did after that besides that I was never able to freely sing in front of people again.

  It's silly to think how hard we strive for acceptance, and it's easy to comprehend how important our parents opinions are to most of us especially at such a young age. That fear I developed caused a whole bunch of issues and embarrassing circumstances in the future.

 Those aside, there are so many times I just want to open my lungs and belt. Just sing my heart out even if it completely sounded retched. Because it is a source of freedom. A freedom of judgement, restraint, discipline, insecurity, perfectionism,
  I get these ideas for songs. Melodies, rhythms, hell if I know. They bobble in my brain, some for years. They are kind of catchy in my opinion. If I just took the time to write out the lyrics I'd feel somewhat more free. But who has time for that with the million others things weighing them down?

 Back to the original point, I've been trying to take more time to resolve my anxiety. More "me" time so I can live more free, finish my tasks more accurately, and to show my true colors of confidence self acceptance, punctuality and straight up badass-ness. Just like how I first got my studio.

 Side Note:Now the singing part makes sense after all these years, but the fact that I haven't been able to dance without crumbling down in my own house shows that something has not been right. Dancing since I was 4 years old, it's new that I can't do it freely. It's a sign that I am not OK. This realization can be a tool, or wake up call that you may be mentally unstable or over stressed. If little details are more important then the things that have always made you happy, you are denying yourself of what life has to offer. Joy.

  

This time taken, whether it's relaxing baths, meditation, resting (what does that mean?), finishing old tasks, self pleasuring, acceptance, has allowed me to have moments of freedom. I am completely fucking miserable if I cannot feel free from all of this. I resemble a butterfly in someways , I like to fly and float, soar into unknown places, unknown situations. Restriction is not for me. So when I get those rare moments,when I feel relaxed, I have been singing. In my car, in the shower, sometimes outside and even in front of some people. That, is a huge breakthrough for me. That is growth in a big way.

I lost my way since last May, but I know for certain there are ways I have grown. Being a New Year my resolution is the same as last. To finish what I started. So when a woman and I downtown talked numerous times about creating a band I knew would never exist I told her I would send some songs. Naturally these days I kept puttinn it off, it was never truly the right time. 

 Recently though, as Clyde my volvo and I drifted towards the museum I recorded a song hook that has been bogging my mind and sent that mind floater to the woman. Did I text "keep in mind I can't sing"? Yes, yes I did. Did I send the song, sing in front of myself and another, despite the incident as a child, the moment I lost a creative part of my soul? Yes, I did. I fucking did. 

  I didn't get a response. Apparently my anxiety driven self doubt insecure current persona drove away my new "friends" or acquaintances. But you know what, I did it for me. I punched that self doubt demon in the face and recorded that shit.

So in theory, self doubt and axiety-sadness if you will can completely destroy a sense of freedom. In this circumstance- creativity. Creatively, proven as a symbol of freedom. That the soul craves individualism. That pure happiness is shown with acceptance of difference to normal standards.

It's so easy to get caught up in the thoughts of others, here and now in this society. Our fears, circumstances can cut off the will to express ourselves. If you see a person singing in public, you shouldn't be embarrassed or pity them for being "attention whores." In my opinion, you should envy them. 

Because those people accept themselves, and at any age if you are singing in public or in general- it means you are happy.

To the old man who passed on that wisdom, thank you for that moment when I realized I wanted too, to sing as well. I wanted to be happy. I want now to be happy. So Every time I open my vocal chords good or bad I know in the back of my mind I am doing something right and that feels so damn good. So. Damn. Good.