Oh dear,
What a journey. What a change. It's been a miserable change. A change to take fourth and hopefully change the socially acceptable "simple" things the "normal" partake in daily assigned lives into doable regularities that my personal system doesn't comprehend.
I wanted to keep a tight knit record of reflections of the daily things I did to keep me stronger, so I could remember and be like "Ah, there is proof."
I don't even know where to start really.
I have done some social experiments (whoops). Zen has been a good friend and a worse enemy. Paleo diet, hmm- Very miserable but when successful quite impressive. Been places, been chill.
Finally got stressed to the max recently with the season also the end of November and once in October- but made it out alive.
My parents computer has been so slow , I couldn't even type on it. I have been so busy, trying to get a hold of neurotic repetitive behaviors for the first time in 26 years. How miserable it is, to teach yourself discipline whilst enabling and coddling still surrounds you.
If only I could only got all this sweet juice in my bowl , somewhere present to reflect the truth of situations.
My need for approval still exists.
Through all that, trying to organize , I am really into the environment as well. Which makes all that even harder.
I'm finding not having my art time or me time, and gym time makes me a little psycho. When you go down on doses and replace it with holistic therapies you still depend on it.
I NEED to draw, I NEED to work out, I NEED to hug that tree, dance it out, write , eat strict, drink water etc
Because I don't want to take a pill. Many pills that the doctors think I need. I take them, I have gone down on some with supervision, and I must sit down and write the info I know down.
It's funny how ways of life are just so simple, and so unrecognizable in first world situations.
Why do we give our dogs dog food, why do we eat HMOs, Why do we take pills instead of use mother earth, why are we now hallucinating after that pill and believing that we are sick? Why are we using fertilizer, how is it legal to keep these factories open with all the waste? It just goes on and on and on.
I am still growing, in battle with myself, others- but I am blossoming into the current sun from the old moon.
The world just got a whole bunch more complicating, as I attract the oddest situations. The stories though, are just so worth it.
But as the divine whispers in my ear, " I need you to love, I need you to express love, give love, feel love", where does that leave the surrealist?
Whether what methods I use, my goal will always be the same.
To spread wise knowledge learnt from the subconscious, in art form to teach damaged parts of society truths for the greater good.
Whether anyone wants to listen well,
That's their decision. Now isn't that beautiful?
Friday, December 26, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
Phase 1-Consume
Recent days I am found gazing. Opinionated reflections of a slow young adult with no focus, structure -no reality. What am I doing when I am blanking out, dropping something, banging my head into the wall, tripping, forgetting, blurring out?
The most probable answer is that I am obsessing. I would rather think I am dissecting. I have not been diagnosed with OCD or what I call "Already Counted Dat". This isn't a blog about OCD. [By the by that was at no diss at the mental disorder. I am not insensitive to things as so, I have a soft spot fort that specific group of people that is so obviously misunderstood.]
This blog, or what I hope it to be is about improvement. It is about taking my obsessive desire for perfection, answers, approved idealism, and attempting to transform something positive with them. Trying to sustain control or better yet loosen the reigns.
I want what's best for the world and my mind ticks with possible solutions. I am a soul artist. A fan of surrealism, word play, intellectual creativity. Unstructured, but fresh. I use metaphors , and philosophic thoughts to explain how I feel visually.
There are going to be a lot of hypothesis, theories, loose thoughts in this blog. I am going to state the fact as of now that the thoughts are probably spur of the moment- may not be educationally correct- perhaps black and white.
For example the title of this blog probably makes no freaking sense to most. English majors back out now. Srsly<-- (Did you know that is recorded in the Oxford dictionary from the late 1800s as a shortened version of seriously. I was so happy that I wasn't abusing internet slang. [I looked it up about a month ago.]
I missed a lot of school due to health, I missed a lot of basics but I am constantly trying to learn. Very self taught, which is a slower process. Unfortunately, when I have my hands in so many craved solutions it's hard to specialize in things as a whole.
I like to research but not everything I read will be true. Social experiments entertain and interest me but then guilt overrides the excitement. Morally speaking messing with people for personal pleasure is an atypical douche bag hobby. Minimization of the "Live a little" gesture sparks my mind right now with subconscious smirking.
So I am trying to study basic education and focus as of now. College was not an opportunity for me at all really. Well a successful opportunity. I took a class I enjoyed, stayed on top etc. It surprisingly turned out horrible because of a disgusting relationship but I have high hopes for when I dip into that empty void again.
Anyway this first entry is suppose to explain reasoning behind blog number 3. I have had destructive compulsions for about 15 years which I am trying to control. Aggressive anxiety mutations from hell.
I hope this will relieve some stress. I would rather journal everything but as said my focus is far from perfect. I cannot sit still with a pen. (But will anything be perfect for me?)
So when I stare glazed , slow responsive like Miss Little BoPeep I am aware of the fucked up cognitive response and the silent reaction of the receiving end of the conversation. Typing has become talking for me, as for many so let's do something positive.
I am at the fuck these bad habits let's do something about it, so as I blog let's see some transformation and acceptance for my hard work. Let's enjoy life, look at positive experiences and show gratitude to life outside these sheltered walls.
Go get em tiger!
This blog is brought to you by J.L.L. She is not responsible for the reactions of poor grammar, messed up thoughts and cussing. If you are faint of heart, set stone, an arrogant asshole, or a no good creep please refrain from multiple views of this blog because this author likes the option of not giving a damn. Have a fantastic day and breathe in that sunshine.
That's what's up.
The most probable answer is that I am obsessing. I would rather think I am dissecting. I have not been diagnosed with OCD or what I call "Already Counted Dat". This isn't a blog about OCD. [By the by that was at no diss at the mental disorder. I am not insensitive to things as so, I have a soft spot fort that specific group of people that is so obviously misunderstood.]
This blog, or what I hope it to be is about improvement. It is about taking my obsessive desire for perfection, answers, approved idealism, and attempting to transform something positive with them. Trying to sustain control or better yet loosen the reigns.
I want what's best for the world and my mind ticks with possible solutions. I am a soul artist. A fan of surrealism, word play, intellectual creativity. Unstructured, but fresh. I use metaphors , and philosophic thoughts to explain how I feel visually.
There are going to be a lot of hypothesis, theories, loose thoughts in this blog. I am going to state the fact as of now that the thoughts are probably spur of the moment- may not be educationally correct- perhaps black and white.
For example the title of this blog probably makes no freaking sense to most. English majors back out now. Srsly<-- (Did you know that is recorded in the Oxford dictionary from the late 1800s as a shortened version of seriously. I was so happy that I wasn't abusing internet slang. [I looked it up about a month ago.]
I missed a lot of school due to health, I missed a lot of basics but I am constantly trying to learn. Very self taught, which is a slower process. Unfortunately, when I have my hands in so many craved solutions it's hard to specialize in things as a whole.
I like to research but not everything I read will be true. Social experiments entertain and interest me but then guilt overrides the excitement. Morally speaking messing with people for personal pleasure is an atypical douche bag hobby. Minimization of the "Live a little" gesture sparks my mind right now with subconscious smirking.
So I am trying to study basic education and focus as of now. College was not an opportunity for me at all really. Well a successful opportunity. I took a class I enjoyed, stayed on top etc. It surprisingly turned out horrible because of a disgusting relationship but I have high hopes for when I dip into that empty void again.
Anyway this first entry is suppose to explain reasoning behind blog number 3. I have had destructive compulsions for about 15 years which I am trying to control. Aggressive anxiety mutations from hell.
I hope this will relieve some stress. I would rather journal everything but as said my focus is far from perfect. I cannot sit still with a pen. (But will anything be perfect for me?)
So when I stare glazed , slow responsive like Miss Little BoPeep I am aware of the fucked up cognitive response and the silent reaction of the receiving end of the conversation. Typing has become talking for me, as for many so let's do something positive.
I am at the fuck these bad habits let's do something about it, so as I blog let's see some transformation and acceptance for my hard work. Let's enjoy life, look at positive experiences and show gratitude to life outside these sheltered walls.
Go get em tiger!
This blog is brought to you by J.L.L. She is not responsible for the reactions of poor grammar, messed up thoughts and cussing. If you are faint of heart, set stone, an arrogant asshole, or a no good creep please refrain from multiple views of this blog because this author likes the option of not giving a damn. Have a fantastic day and breathe in that sunshine.
That's what's up.
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