You wonder why I'm all over the place?
It's very complex. I am very complex.
The homeless people in the area have started to captivate me deeply. I had this idea to spread awareness, but I am finding there are many foes in the process.
I wanted to focus on the reason people as myself get nervous looking at people with signs and such in the eye. The feeling they get in return.
Honestly they have to know what they are doing. They know it's, raw,brave,desperate. They know the speculations, they know that they are speculating the others speculations.
They know which people look nice, those who will exploit them for loitering.
What a lot of the people don't realize (especially the people with what I call : "The script") is: They are working. Working for me.
I document everything if not on paper in my head. I notice reactions to what I say, what I give-What they give.
I see other peoples reactions. I notice the thoughts I get when asked and they aren't always impressive.
The more I get into this project the more layers I am seeing, and today- today was a game changer.
I was running with the deer. What I could use left of my legs after a quick and semi hard superset leg routine was jumping over fallen trees, dodging branches, gouging my appendix remembering the unremembered.
I was sitting there peaceful as ever. Finding material to barter with the local florist downtown. Feeling the stilled beauty.I was convinced I was completely alone on the river. Personal intimate words intwining with the forest when I look over and spot a tall boy with red hair.
I first started to think: "Geez can't be left alone for a minute can I?" But my thoughts started to transform into " Jes, don't you want others to walk off the paved path, embrace this boy for following his heart. This isn't your land this our land, just continue your journey."
There was a mini waterfall tinkling slowly into the water. I see him walking along the water. We just stared at each other for a moment.
I had thoughts such as" Must be bored out of school, not often I see boys his age into nature that's very good for his generation.
I then found balance and ascended up the hill not fearing the mud and accepting the possible failed attempt to get up the hill.
My jump was successful as I continued walking. I didn't know where I was going but I did notice that I didn't know where I was going and I didn't care.
There were parts of me sitting by the creek saying: Go home do chores, do the dishes, clean up , cook, you could be studying , you could be finishing those tasks you have been putting off, you haven't sewn you can do that now, you can create this finish this........
I stood firm at one point and said "I don't WANT to right now. I DO NOT want to. I like it here now, it feels good-it feels right.
That part of my soul that craves the trees to take over. That lives by the barter, the trade of skills of survival not greed. Appreciating others crafts, living whole simply.
Being in those woods, my mind after a while didn't care about all that. As my body moved freely, as I was grounded-happy. I suddenly met paths with a whole family of deer.
I decided to say a few things and move on. To not and try to force respect. To gain it being myself, not what I think they want to hear. To let them have their time as a family in the woods. To accept and be thankful for the courage of following my heart.
Even so, I turned to them explaining this emotion that has been flowing in and out. I am thankful for feelings of jealousy, sadness, empathy
Empathy
Empathy.
The more I go off the trails in the woods I learn more about myself as a whole. I learn that I want to love myself. I want to love others around me I learn that I want to love the world.
One of the main cognitive exercises I work on in those sacred places is intuition. Snap thinking. That gut again. No not the fact that I am taking probiotics-that IF ONLY I __ __ __ gut.
That whole realization to think, "What do I WANT to do again?" What do I truly want to do? Which way do I want to go, not that I should, or have to what feels right? Quicker judgements on the safest, most accurate route. Not thinking about the skills I have, but using them naturally. Accepting failure as previously stated. If I fall get covered in dirt, I bleed, I knick my shirt, those are artificial battle wounds.
I am hoping these little experiments will help with my career as an artist and timed decisions.
I decided the deer didn't need to hear my baggage. I walked on with them presuming their woodland deer speak.
I again decided to take some emotional thoughts that decided to expand my brain to an audio level. When again I was sharing some words out loud, I ran into that boy. He somehow crossed the river and met me on the other side.
I decided to ask him about the waterfall. Because honestly, I wanted to enjoy it as well. I find that there is this silenced rule of not intruding in others space unless invited in the woods. These private areas are getting more and more rare. Especially with property laws, trespassing etc. People just want to be alone. Since he was over there, I gave him that space to do whatever souls searching he was up to.
So I asked him about it and in doing so I looked him in the eyes and realized it wasn't a boy, it was a man. A young man.
His supercillery crest protruded deeper then usual from his forehead. I had an automatic thought of how awesome it was. That maybe he was a descendent of the Neanderthals.
He then began to talk. His voice was very deep. He said ehh I don't know. The naive thoughts of this guy being unintelligent shamefully crossed my mind.
But then as we continued chatting I decided to wake up and put the pieces together. This young man was emancipated. The heat was effecting his speech. He was disorientated, possibly dehydrated. His arms were boney, clothes baggy.
He didn't want anything. We didn't talk about if he was homeless. He stated that he traveled a lot he is used to it.
Realizing I had veggies in my car I asked if he's eaten in a while he said: No.
Side Note:A thing that has been bothering me about this project is the effort I am putting into not pointing out the askers are homeless. Better yet, not talking about it. To talk tot he people as if they are well: just people. They are. Maybe they could use a friend, maybe it be nice to talk about the city the world, that bird over there.
I keep running into the script subtypes that don't appreciate it. They don't appreciate I sacrificed my lunch for them, they don't appreciate anything. Not even if you give.
Damn expectations. (Do I need a hug or something?)
A homeless profit told me that people rarely try to engage with those living on the streets. They give them money , donate, then move on. I think that is very valuable information.
Those who really want and need help are those who aren't comfortable in their current circumstances. They don't wan to focus on that, they don't want pity. They don't ask for help, they are embarrassed but appreciative of the time you share which sounds disgusting.
Like if I had more time for someone who just so happened to have a home.
That's what it is really.
A person, a breathing, living, present person who doesn't have a home. They are homeless.
Dictionary.com
1.
without a home:
a homeless child.
2.
the homeless, persons who lack permanent housing.
This is what it has been distorted into
Urban Dictionary
When one has exhausted all resources and is reduced to the insane condition of toting a small travel bag, aimlessly riding buses, selling plasma, nodding-out in public libraries, standing in welfare lines, eating in soup kitchens, walking in a dream, sleeping in shelters and parks, worrying about the next fix, and knowing that going to jail is a step up on the social ladder.
Dude, maybe he's homeless because he's mental, can't care for himself, and nobody cares.
What I am trying to say is that I got one of those real situations. He was in a rough spot, he was severely depressed. I don't know what he was going through, the answers to the questions usually resulted in I don't know.
As we were walking to my car there was a chair. A beautiful victorian influenced chair, with a shabby chic flare sitting in the woods. It was rained on, getting destroyed.
I made a comment about how weird it was. I thought it was lovely in a way. I have noticed water bottles full of urine. I knew there were some people living in these woods.To imagine people in a rough situation in a chair as so-was so fairy tale. It was normalcy in known disparity.
The statement that has been nawing in the far off soft edges of my lobes that he conveyed was, "Are you afraid of it?"
I was completely not prepared by such a simple question. It's funny how one statement can completely change the view or level of a conversation.The world between us just did a shift.
It was an honest simple question I just couldn't make sense of. It was, it was...
Pure.
I told him the answer to the concept I originally explained. That it was a beautiful artifact in the raw forest. Honestly , I still don't know if I understand the question.
Was he asking if I was afraid of how it got there? The shape it was in? Who put it there?
Ive been completely on edge with the eerie questions I have been getting from strangers. Questions I feel that are invading my privacy. Going back to an original sender. An unwelcome in a change of kept mysteries I intend to continue. Sometimes it's hard for me to accept natural curiosity.
I have had my privacy so mutilated, abused, ignored that I ignored it. Living that feeling of remorse once the words came out.
But as we walked to the cars I gave hime the veggies. I didn't have closed water bottles like I thought.
I had an 8 dollar jug of distilled water in a non BPA jug though. It would be the perfect thing for traveling, refilling , without the head poisoning it.
It was one of those things I was putting off forever and did it today. I have a home though, I have semi clean running water. I should have gave it to him immediately. I don't have a lot of assets with my current situation on personal level, but I have a good circle. This man seemed to have himself.
I didn't give him the gallon.
He told me the park had running water and he walked over and took a drink and looked me in the eye. Part of me wanted to run and give it to him as he walked to the woods.
Part of me was looking at the hard facts of there is a big chance he cannot even carry it being so weak. As he could barely climb steps.
Through it all , I hesitated. I know I can't help everyone-but with this heat the water situation I was disgusted.
As I pulled away though, I shut off the self mutilating thoughts and I thought of him. His suffering with depression, in this situation somehow, his body losing body fat fast, his safety.
My face began to twist as I drove away. I then as usual, got one whimper out with my hand over my face holding the rest in and carried on. I prayed for him, and for self work based on my selfish decision.
(The tales of Jesus and his no hesitation love. That religion based theory seemed to fit the bill. His automatic empathy.
I am not Jesus, but he seems like a cool dude.)
Bottom line is I started to cry, I haven't been able to. I felt empathy.
And to that John, I am thankful.
What is the difference between minimizing, facts etc.
Why are some of us so focused on ourselves when we don't even have that high of self esteem? What makes answers to questions I don't know as to I don't care.
Things I learned in that moment.
The weather was perfect for a jog
The deer probably don't want to hear you rant about your ability to think feeling but not feel it you psycho
Bikers can almost run you over in a blink of an eye
I look amazing after a run
I can never run on the trail again
Don't wear these panties with these spandex
Seeing a man push a carriage was nice for a change
Accept your intuition
Share the land
Shut up the thoughts
It's ok to be incompetent for a day it allows a sense of deserved freedom
I still have good reflexes
How to sit down
When to walk away
I really didn't care for that guy I was originally parked next to.
Having food in your car is a good idea
I am a little selfish
I look forward to having romantic partner in the future
That I wasn't hungry because I was happy
That its very easy to eat almost a half lb. of shredded coconut covered dates-oh thats why I'm not hungry.
The deers still outrun my ass
To take as needed
Mother nature gives when you don't go the connivence route
I truly want to forage
When deers eat grass it's hilarious
I don't consider myself with others when I'm in nature
The water felt good on my hands
Watching a mosquito suck my blood voluntarily was noble but probably not a good idea with whispers of malaria around the area
I got work to do
I am still growing
My heart is opening
The little things are still and always will be amazing
How to check for fresh deer prints
You don't see those scenes just in movies, you turn off the movie, get off the path and create your own blockbuster
Till next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment