Phase 3- Sit down

There's a trillion things going on in one day, my life a beautiful random loose spiral of spectrum chaos.  A lot going in my head from the last 48 hours but this isn't a rant column.  A column of self reflection, learning, and theorems.  I can't describe how impossible it seems to pick a subject as of now. I just know I have the need to release.
  Quite honestly fight or flight is in the ring with my immune, I can't seem to shut off the hem-my aka my brain. It's been a crazy ride that I let go, as my need of suppressed agitated hormones mixed with lack of gym and paleo contributed to needing to get away from an eclectic artistic confusing bin of hot damn-ness leading this run on (more like run down) sentence to wake up in her underwear covered in chocolate from the 2 am pancake that gosh damn yes I payed extra for more chocolate chips thank you -mam'
 I just butchered English grammar once more - who knew?

Honestly though , I see where this is going and I do not have the patience to write this set of theories , learnt/changed behaviors and observations.

Speaking of Gmos, food addiction, and food fetish, minimization obviously.

So I'll write an old note:

A person more successful in the lines of materialism through business is  a person further from humanity.

School of trade more successful in life beyond society

Schools of trade: especially art are frowned upon on a material sense but in reality the knowledge and craft of the arts is less easily attainable of educational infringement.

Artists of free souls ar to be watched. Artists wo intend to pursue soul purpose over financial stability are those who are more inclined to rebel against brainwashing in the realm of modern society.

Ok not going into this.

I simply can't focus right now. A lot of times. There is something incredibly different- impulses or what lie behind a lot of my personal flaws. I just have this need of release that wants to claw a man or update my etsy, sew, or draw all night. I am starving myself and when I am a good girl get all my lists down I can fill his void.

One of the voids is from retaining to romance. I am completely honesty saying that that I am not one that should starve herself for even one day let alone thee amount I have. What I think I am finding the most frustrating is losing the balance between they should could want need and so on categories.

Truth is I have been starving myself from my art. Yea I got a studio, yea I go to classes etc. When I go to sessions I find myself unable to let go. I got back and fourth trying to figure out the right decision to make with my amount of time What is selfish , what is reckless, what can wait.

I like winging it but I hate escapism. Escapism can come back captured at times with not a lot to brag about and a souvenir bag of regret and guilt of what you could have done.

But yesterday I spread myself around art most of the day. My mind won't let me sit and when I sit my ass won't get out of my head in drawing groups. So yesterday as a snazzy 2 man band was bouncing energy off each other and reflecting it off the audience and everyone surrounded them-

Even if I was out drawing , oil pastels out etc at an open concert I felt very alone. Because no one was paying attention to me and I liked it. I felt alone. Theoretically no, but I wasn't shiny as all damn hell.

To have those moments to focus on your art, let your hands fill up in pigment, the tension in my muscles, organs, the huge tsunami in between my loins and the fear of not being able to just sit down and do that.

Those few moments even when I am free a few strokes, an hour sketch - my heart fills with joy I am close to tears for being so thankful to express myself.  Even 5 minutes.To enjoy my art and my hardwork. Call me emotional I don't care.

I can't deny that I am still in my funk, and trying to explain -whining or I call verbally searching for a fix individually whilst sharing my issue with another probably answering a question of some sort.

I am fighting for my life to just live in some sort of freedom of the extra energy I got to put in the day to do cognitive work or certain things I have to call sacrifices just so I can get by a little more naturally.

Interdependence the big picture the big picture.

But I woke up after sleeping for three hours un medicated , didn't get back to bed but with an idea. The sun was soaking my  not so hotmess-self. I felt as though I was being hugged in my unmatched undergarments by the sun himself. It tingled my body as i threw something on, went to the community toilet grabbed a free press motivational and creative energy lingering on the outer of my skin cells.

It's like I have what I want and I am about to let it sit. Now that I can do it,  I can just watch myself fail again. But i don't need to learn about fancy restaurants in Toledo. I took hundreds probably more researching cooking, paleo, organization, holistic health -yea thousands to not eat out ( like I have been)

I was dead tired. I made a quick mental link to my most current break throughs of letting go. The infamous switch the soul artists modestly brag about. The left to right brain modes.

I sat my tired ass down. I wanted to go out and dance a little in the morning. That impulse you know? that last night I had a little beer a little kumbucha (not even close to enough since I got all mystic with my glass on the ground losing site of it as my head was in my notebook trying to release some more impulse emotions that I refuse to let anyone take advantage of) and didn't get that taken care of which is usual lately.

That reflection , between my breakout true self moments at the infamous anatomy instructor Jennifer's class, to other related scenarios remembering I was completely tired.

Hey I was tired, and my mind was calm-sit down do that pre drawing.

Between art classes I am working at home on Drawing on the Right side of the brain. Many of the things I have been meaning to do over the years. My long time friend and instructor can admit that I need these basic skills after all my impulse drawing spells. Very pretty work at time but fundamentally backwards and many ladies with broken bones.

Jessica's portraits Victims anonymous (JPVA)


I sat down looked at myself (which I hate drawing believe it or not) and began.

It's not to my level, but something is there. Not that smudges that my right hand got in again DAMN IT!
 There was a degree of focus and a signature style to tell it was mine. You can tell a drawing is truly mine by the eyes.

If I am comfortable, and I mean completely, the eyes will hold most the emotion even though I am trying to switch that up.

But waking up from that crazy riot- waking up to  my last portrait session with the group I model and sketch with  this month - ending meeting a dude who used to partially own my studio , making lifesaver gummy ring fist pumps eating them shamefully sharing deep artistic notions laughing at the most stupid shit and showing a drawing I made about

Well sorry it's a ___ thing . (Number refrained for my privacy.)

That's not even the in-between of the inbetween between the tween in the be.....

Over it

Today was a good day

I didn't even have to use my MK.

Sometimes you have to fight for your gift. Sometimes it gets ripped from you, threatened, stolen. It comes in and out like a personality disorder revolving around abandonment.

You have to lose it at times, so when you get it. You never want to let it go.

I was accepting I wasn't taken chances with the excuse I want to get better before.

Oh hell yes I do, I'll be damned if anyone touches my art, sees my art with the finished studio (when it's finished) No one can buy it right now, show it in their places...

Because I am starting new. I don't create shit. If I have to take 6 months before I can start a single portion of it due to lack of skill, If I need to perform a live piece to relation to my 2d version, study the model with a whole psychiatric personality evaluations, a portfolio of the models body from every angle from every bone, pre canvases for a finished canvas travel locations, spend months studying clouds for a portion of a drawing

Your damn right I am going to. Don't tell me Im never going to finish it,

I don't create crap. You get this wisdom, you better prepare that you deliver it to the exact expectations your messengers, guides, gods whatever have waiting for you.

Images, personal inflictions mean nothing, stolen ideas mean nothing if you aren't the original carrier. With my health, my brain fogginess etc I lose things but I can't fear copying.


Because they can't hear what THEY have to say, not just I.

But if that's the case I got to practice way more to even sputter that excuse.


Today I learned, I have more control to say no to things I can work around. Thing I truly don't need. That my impulses can get fed through my true void I am trying to feed. The weirdest kids are the coolest kids, dudes acting like they are 20 when they are 50 is actually quite annoying zen or not, I have hips that like to be squeezed by strangers, asking a honest question leads to a free lamb chop, its ok to accept help,  you can fit a lot of toilet paper rolls in a paper bag that will bust all over the floor in a shameful unpredicted rip,don't need a gps for everything, saying no is pretty boss, eating a box of hot mamma bread needs to stop, people usually know that I am not blowing them off it's quite obvious I'm cluttered and pulled into random situations quite quickly, that  a kid I helped with the museum stand totally used my creative skills he could play with his fellow lil bros as I used my anatomy skills for his pirate ship that should actually be mine and healthier since we did all the work, that I can wear a short dress without falling on my face, that running water from a vagina sculpture doesn't make you have to pee despite the common rumor, that avant garde isn't pronunced Ah-vant Gaa-deh even if it sounds better ,  that you superior has really good taste in men cause that guy she pointed out to your single self was quite indeed hott as hell, brown pancakes aren't always burnt they are just filled with chocolate chips, when you thought you dropped a dollar while getting a beer at the after party it really did fall and it was 10 dollars, fashion changes are still cool if not a celebrity, that us family center employees are of of a kind and will never be poster peeps for the model employers, listening to my gut is awesome ,listening to my anxiety is not, i love 50s music but not last night after stripped off my tea party dress put on one  of my only pair of jeans ,let my hair run wild from my high pony with a big bow, while slathering my lips with dark burgundy lipstick mixed with a sultry red and a very tight fitting vintage tank with my pointy badass Jimmy Choos and my man eater face even though I wanted to punch that schmuck in the face I can't do the mash potato when I want to shake rattle and roll, I really should write more poetry and that I liked doing open mike completely on a whim because some lady didn't show and well etc

I am so glad I carry that damn sketch book with me everywhere I go,  or a damn piece of paper. I just feel more understood, it's who I am I can't change it.

I'm an artist ,and i'll do whatever it takes to do this because I know the web to the big picture. We all know I won't be in Toledo forever.

To think that paragraph is like 1 1000 of a typical day in the public.

My way to deliver, enlighten what ever I do with creative expression. I can't starve myself even if it's completely erotic art, it's got to be art in some form- I got to get it out.

I refuse to eat disgusting lardy ass pancakes, sour cream, non organic poision just because I need some ....

Stress release and some heart filler (love)

No doubt.


This is a chaotic post, but with much lessons and some teaching if you can get past the thought tornados- maybe I helped in some shape or form.

To calm grounds ahead.